Pay it forward...

I had the opportunity to watch a few minutes of the movie Pay it Forward a couple months ago at work. Unfortunately I had to work and wasn't able to watch it. I came home this evening after a long week at work and looking forward to a 3 day weekend. My husband has to work the closing shift so he won't be home til late. I knew that I had to entertain myself for a few more hours. I turned the TV on and lucked out. Pay it forward was starting in a few minutes. How exciting. I have always wanted to see this movie. I actually had a pretty early lesson in the whole idea of paying it forward. It started with my grandma. I have always looked up to her as a role model and there is one thing in specific that really sticks out in my mind. There are a lot of toll bridges in the bay area where I am from and I remember driving with her up to her house in the mountains and us going over one of these bridges. She pulled up to the toll booth and paid her $2 and then she handed the attendant another $2 and said that it was for the car behind us. I think I was about 7 and I remember asking her "grandma do you know those people?" She simply stated no she didn't but that it was her random act of kindness for the day. I had a hard time understanding this. Why would she give her money to a complete stranger. She taught me about doing good deeds, the ones that were anonymous and when no one was looking. How many of us do good deeds only to gain some form of recognition? or to get something in return? I know that I have. How many of us do them with no alterior motives other than to help another person. The ones where no one is watching and no one will find out. Those are the ones that matter, those are the honest ones. My grandma taught me about "what goes around, comes around". It reminds me of some of the lyrics from a song by Vitamin C called Smile. " you get what you give in this life that we live, and all that you do will come back to you". It may not be right away and you may never really notice, but I do believe that that is true. I had someone ask me before, "why bother? Not everyone thinks like you, they won't care". Well you know what, I don't care. I don't care if they won't appreciate it, or if it will go unnoticed, at the end of the day I know i did right and that is all that matters. You need to always stand true to your beliefs no matter what others may say or do. My grandma sends out cards...lot's and lot's of cards. I get one about every month for every holiday. I opened one that I got from saint patricks day and found a ribbon.

There she goes again. Always sending the message of kindness. Why don't more people think this way? I have put a lot of thought into what I can do and maybe that is my problem. You just have to act. You don't have to wait for the right moment or right opportunity. The Assignment in the movie was to "Think of an idea to change our world-Then put it into action". The young boy came up with this simple idea to pay it forward. It means to help another person with something they cannot do on their own, in the hopes that they will in turn help 3 people in the same way. The ripple effect starts and before you know it there are people all over doing good deeds. It is an extreme act of faith in the goodness of people. Like I said yesterday, I do believe that all people have some good in them. It could be something as simple as forgivness as we saw with Helen Hunt's character forgiving her mom for her horrific childhood and her mothers past mistakes. Or something a little bigger like giving a jaguar car to a stranger who has had his smashed. There is no small favor. All acts of kindness are huge to the person who receives them. The problem is that some people are so caught in their own lives that they ignore the needs of others. They don't pay attention to what really goes on around them. Some people are too scared. They get so used to things the way they are and they give up. They give up on others. This is a sick world we live in and sometimes we may try to help people who don't want out help. I know that I deal with that on a daily basis. But that doesn't mean that you give up. If you can reach one in one hundred then it was all worth it. There are people who say that no good deed goes unpunished. I am willing to take that chance. I know that there is a time and a place and in the case of pay it forward the poor boy paid the ultimate price. You do have to be careful in this world, but don't let your fear prevent you from seeing the beauty in others.

Why...

I have a few things I want to say, but kinda want to keep this a short one. I have had a long day. I guess I want to start with a question that was asked of me the other day. In case you didn't know, I work at a prison and am a Substance Abuse Counselor for the inmates. I find my job very challenging and rewarding. It is something that I strongly believe in, but will leave that for another time. I facilitate a group of 18 men (inmates). We were discussing life choices and how to stay positive when things don't go your way. I have a lot of input whenever we discuss this because my life for the past few years has been anything but easy. I somehow am still able to start and end each day with a smile on my face and an optimistic attitude towards the day ahead. Not every day, but I would say that I am pretty consistent. I always try and see the bright side, because if you look hard enough there is always a silver lining. I hold true to this belief and most always practice what I preach. I try too brighten peoples day and smile as often as possible, because I know that smiles are contagious. Sure I moan and groan at times, but I always keep a positive, can-do attitude. I was trying teach the difference of focusing on what is wrong and focusing on what is right. As humans we always seem to dwell on what is going wrong, all the things we don't have, it is instinct. I find myself focusing on this as well. We never seem to REALLY appreciate not only the things we have but the things that are going good in our life. The example is of someone who has gone blind. When he loses his eyesight he wishes he had it back. But while he had his eye sight did he ever stop and really appreciate it. There are at any given time only a few things that are going wrong in our lives, but thousands of things that are going right. But they are just a given, right? We take these simple luxeries or "Norms" for granted and only notice that we had them after they are gone. The question that I posed to the group was..."Is it better to focus on what is wrong in your life or to focus on what is right"? Keep in mind there are never any right or wrong answers, Just differences in opinions.  Surprisingly I had most of the group answer that it was better to focus on all that is wrong. When I asked why, I got a few answers like..."I don't know, I just do". Then I had one guy tell me that it was better for him to focus on what is wrong, because it reminds him of what he needs to fix, things he can improve upon and things he is working towards. I must say I was impressed with his answer. The problem is that with most people who do focus on what is wrong they tend to fixate on all the things they don't have. Someone like this will never really be satisfied, because there is always more. I have found that people who think this way, tend to be more negative and hard on themselves and others. Nothing is ever good enough. They tend to be depressed and always see the glass as HALF EMPTY. I am not saying all, but most. Those people that always focus on what is right tend to be a little more positive in nature. They truly appreciate everything that is given to them and work hard for all they have. On the same token you can go to the other extreme and someone who never thinks about what is wrong, tends to avoid moving forward or fixing possible problem areas. I wanted to talk about this because it is something that I have been working on a lot lately. It would be so easy for me to fixate on all that is wrong in my life. And to tell you the truth I have been. I have been doing a lot of complaining about the way things have been going and where I am in my life right now. But at the end of the day, I am truly blessed to have all that I do. And I know that there are so many out there less fortunate than I. I need to remember to appreciate the little things we so easily take for granted. Always know that it could be worse...

The question that someone asked was about my previous employment. Of course I won't go into detail, but I do find it important to share a little bit about myself in the process of these groups. I had told them before that I was in banking,sales and real estate prior to working at the prison. I always get pretty much the same response. " Why the hell would you come work here? Don't they pay you less?" That is a great question. Yes I am paid less and if it was about the money and I was just interested in collecting a pay check, I wouldn't be there. I was telling them about purpose. I have a purpose in this life, just like we all do. I realized that it was not to be behind a desk, taking other peoples money, behind a counter taking other peoples money, or in a house taking other peoples money. I excelled at all my jobs, but that's all that they were. A JOB. They had no meaning to me, no purpose. I would walk in everyday to the same things, a routine. They were mindless and easy. I like to move around and need to be challenged. I love that I walk into work each day and have no idea what is going to happen. Each day is different and each day I learn something new. I love that I get to help people start to acknowledge the wrongs they have done and to start thinking about their futures in a positive light. Letting them know that people do get second chances and that they can make a difference. I treat them like people because that is what they are. They have had so many tell them their whole lives that they are no good and that they don't deserve a second chance, I love to be able to help someone believe in themselves again. Don't get me wrong I am not talking about rapists and murderers here. I am talking about drugs, robberies, a stolen car, one too many DUI's. Some of these guys have just made a mistake that any of us could have made. Some grew up believing that this was the only way of life. They have never known any better. I don't want to make excuses for them, or try to minimize their crimes. I just don't want to think like everyone else, that they are trash. Every person, has good in them somewhere. I hope to help more people see that. I have been called a lot of things because of my beliefs and I really don't care. Call me Naive, maybe I am, but I refuse to accept that someone who has been through hell in the fist part of their life can't find their own heaven in the second part.

Today was a hard day. Every year, each employee of the prison has to go to an institution training. My number came up this week. 3 days, 8 hours a day. I have never been so bored in my life. I was dreading it. The first day was ok, went by somewhat fast. Then today, I knew it was coming, yet somehow was still caught off guard. Suicide Prevention. I still can't say the word and just had a hard time typing it. In case you didn't know about a year and a half ago my mother and my step-father took their own lives. I walked in and found them . This is something that I have been struggling with for a long time. I still don't think that I have dealt with it. That was confirmed today, when we had to spend a whole hour talking and learning about it. I started shaking and began sweating. I felt sick to my stomach and had to leave the room for a minute to get some air. I had no idea how much it was still affecting me. My mom was my best friend and I was the closest relative to her. We spent about 30 minutes discussing, the warning signs. All of which my mom and step-dad had displayed. We talked about prevention and what you should do if you suspect someone is suicidal. It brings up in me a lot of guilt that I have been carrying. They had threatened it only a month prior. When confronted, my mom assured me, promised me that she would never do anything like that. I believed her. I should have known not to take her word. There is so much that I could have done to prevent that situation. I know that it is not my fault, I just know that I could have done more. I feel like a hole had been ripped through my heart and I don't know how to repair it. Maybe I never will. I know that this will always be with me, but hopefully I can get to the point where it no longer hurts as bad. When my life can return to "normal". I guess I just wasn't prepared to have to talk about it today. I don't think I could have prepared. All I know is that I feel like a wound has been reopened and I don't know how to close it. This happens every couple months, I just need to cry, to let it all out. To ask "why", knowing I will never get an answer. To say "what if" knowing that I will never know. This is something that I need to accept. I am trying...

Easter is...

I wanted to share a little bit about why Easter has always been one of my favorite holidays. No it has nothing to do with Jesus and I am not going to make any religious references (sorry). I think it all started my first real easter. Although I don't remember it, I have fond memories through pictures. That is the year I got my first bunny stuffed animal. His name was Mickey (no relation to the mouse). He was blue and had two puff balls for cheeks and one for a nose. His hands velcro on them so they could hug you. It was love at first site. We were inseperable. I still have him today. Although with half of my stuff being in storage I couldn't seem to find him to post a pic. I slept with him every night and brought him everywhere I went on into middle school...I know a little old for a stuffed animal, don't judge. Here are a couple pics from my first Easter.

My favorite animal has always been a bunny. I have to assume that it comes from easter. Because I would be surrounded by them. Real ones, stuffed ones, chocolate ones and even marshmallow ones.  How can it get any better. I have always had a sweet tooth. Any holiday when my parents would let me eat candy all day was ok in my book. I also always enjoyed mystery. I loved hard boiled eggs. The "Easter Bunny" would always come early and hide lots of yummy treats for us to find. Me, My Brother and my two little cousins, Steph and Kris would wake up early and head out to collect our riches. We always had a contest to see who could find the most eggs. Pretty sure I always won. I was much faster and have always been slightly competetive. My family used to hide "The Golden Egg". This one was different from the regular eggs with chocolate or change in them. This one had money. Real money. It would always be hidden some place a little less obvious and we would all race to get to it first. It would usually have about $5 or $10 in it. And hey for a 7 year old that is big money. I could buy enough candy to last a week. I remember one year I found the egg in 15 min. A new record. I think it was unfair because it was hidden kind of high and the other kids probably couldn't see it because they were too short. It was hidden in the middle of an old wagon wheel. I was so excited I spotted it from across the lawn, ran up to it and opened it. I was speechless at what I found. A Twenty Dollar Bill. A whole $20. I don't think I had ever had that amount of money in my hand. I think I was 8 years old. I thought I was rich.

Easter was always spent at either my Grandmas ranch in the mountains or at my Aunt Linda's house. I believe we traded off each year. When we went to my grandma's house, I remember her always making a big production out of easter. We would get up the day before and start dying our eggs. Dozens and dozens of eggs. All different colors. We even had stickers and glitter. No two eggs were alike. We would have a big feast with ham and potatoes, deviled eggs and anything else she came up with. We never go hungry there that's for sure.

We would end Easter day with so many eggs and chocolates we didn't know what to do with them. Our Easter baskets were always filled with all kinds of goodies.

Another thing about Easter that I loved was getting to dress up in fancy clothes. Luckily I can say that I didn't dress myself in this next one. Although I did think I was pretty stylish. What do you think?

I think the main reason that I have always loved eater is that I get to spend time with my family. My mom was one of 5 children, and they all had at least 2 children, so I had a lot of cousins. We didn't get to see each other very often, but would all be there for Easter. We would have a huge Easter egg hunt that would start off on a ride to go search for the Easter Bunny. We would all pile into the back of my uncles truck and go searching through the fields by their house. This would give time for the "Easter Bunny" to hide all of the eggs. I remember one year we actually spotted the Easter Bunny. Turns out later I find out that it was my mom who had dressed up. We were supposed to spot her then keep driving. Problem is that The older kids thought jumped out of the truck to catch her. Maybe they thought that if they caught her she would have to give them a special treat like a leprichan and his pot of gold. Anyway, My mom started running and they kept chasing her. I guess she made it back to the house ok, ran inside an changed, before we even caught on. I always felt special at easter because it landed right around my birthday most years. We would usually celebrate my birthday on Easter so we could be with the whole family.

Now Easter isn't as fun. I still try and spend them with my family and most years am able to. No more Easter egg hunts or chocolate bunnies. I guess not for a couple years anyway, until I have children. I can't wait to pass on all the fun and memories that I have of Easter to them. 

Who am I...

Dear Jessica Hicks, below are your Personality Tests result:
Who is your true self: You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
Your view on yourself:  
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are down-to-earth
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : People like you because you are so straightforward
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:  
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are a true romantic
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : When you are in love
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You will do anything
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Everything to keep your love true
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:  
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person
The seriousness of your love:  
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You like to flirt
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Behave seductively
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : The opposite sex finds this very attractive
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : That's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education:  
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Education is very important in life
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You want to study hard
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Learn as much as you can
The right job for you:  
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You need to choose something
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Go for it to be happy
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Achieve success
How do you view success:  
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Nothing will stop you from trying
What are you most afraid of:  
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : You are afraid of things that you cannot control
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ : Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel

Test Results

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Extraversion 78% Stability 62% Orderliness 34% Accommodation 74% Intellectual 54% Interdependence 70% Mystical 57% Materialism 63% Narcissism 37% Adventurousness 43% Work ethic 63% Conflict seeking 43% Need to dominate 63% Romantic 77% Avoidant 30% Anti-authority 57% Wealth 30% Dependency 30% Change averse 23%

Cautiousness 37% Individualism 63% Sexuality 90% Peter pan complex 30% Histrionic 30% Vanity 37% Artistic 50% Hedonism 43% Physically active 10% Religious 23% Humanitarian 77% Fiscal acumen 30% Self image 63% Honor 50% Accountability 50% Paranoia 50% Extravagance 30% Family drive 70% Indie 50%

Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Accommodation results were high which suggests you are overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense too often of your own individual development (martyr complex).

Intellectual results were medium which suggests you are moderately intellectual, curious, and imaginative.

Advanced Analysis

You should always challenge yourself on your preferences (Do I really need XYZ and/or avoid ABC to be happy?). If you've done this and you've found important motivations/tendencies/qualities you can't be happy without satisfying then make sure your current life direction (your job, education, hobbies, friends, etc.) are in accord with the strong interests and aversions of your results. If not, start contemplating, examining, researching changes which would put your life in accord with your self realized core motivations.

I am stuffed...

Ok so I made the bean dip. Not going to post a pic because let's face it beans don't really look all that great. It was so good I just can't stop eating it. I could eat this everyday. Luckily Nick is here helping me, otherwise I just might eat the whole pot myself. I wanted to share the recipe. It is definately one of my new favorites. Perfect to share with guests, or just to make for an afternoon snack or appetizer. Here it is...

Championship Bean Dip

• 16 oz (one can) of refried beans
• 1 cup of medium picante sauce
• 4 oz of shredded cheddar cheese
• 4 oz of shredded monterey jack
• 3/4 cup sour cream
• 3 oz of softened cream cheese
• 1/2 tblsp chili powder
• 1/4 tsp ground cumin

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix well. Transfer to a small slow cooker. Cook on medium heat for 3 hours. Keep warm while eating. Dip 1 inch cubes of french bread or tortilla chips. Enjoy. I know I did.

I also made my grandma's famous cranberry cider. This one is great for a cold day. We have had too many of those around here. Here is the recipe...

Cranberry Cider

• 8 cups hot water
• 4 cups cranberry juice (not juice cocktail)
• 3/4 cup orange juice
• 1/4 cup lemon juice
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/2 cup red hot candies
• 6 cloves

This one is made in a large slow cooker. Combine all ingredients. Place the cloves in some cheesecloth. That way you can remove them after cooking as they get stronger the longer they sit. Turn on low for about 3 hours. Easy to make. You can place in an old coffee pot to keep warm after cooking. Hope you enjoy. 

Meow...

Had to post this video. I think I have seen it a hundred times, and I still laugh out loud every time.

A New Day...

I always have so much to say and now that my mom is gone I feel like I have no one to say it to. Things just haven't been the same without her. I wanted to create a blog as an outlet for my million miles an hour mind. I want to be able to share my thoughts and my experiences. Sometimes my world is a little crazy. I have always referred to it as a comedic tragedy. I hope that things are leveling out because I need a break. I need to remember to always look forward and to not dwell in the past. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today, is a gift! I plan on enjoying it. I woke up this morning a little too early on my day off. I tried to go back to sleep but my cat's had another idea. I went into the living room with my pillow and a warm blanket. It is literally freezing and looks like it may snow again. I turned on the tv and started watching an America's Next Top Model rerun. Problem is that it's an all day marathon. I am stuck. Sad past is that I have already seen all the episodes yet somehow can't turn it off. Well at least I am multitasking. I have had the same phone an LG Dare for almost 2 years now. It is time for an upgrade. I have been looking into my options for a new phone for a few weeks now and yesterday decided to go into a Verizon store to try them out. I absolutely love the Motorolla Droid. My husband has it. I just can't get over how much it weighs. My experience in the store was ok. I wasn't impressed with the sales person knowledge of the phones. He was pushing 2 versions of the droid. Said that they are the best. I believe him but there were like 15 other phones that had the features I was looking for. He didn't even mention them. I went home and did my research on the computer. I found two that I liked but then read the reviews. These people had nothing good to say about them. Bummer back to square one. I ended deciding on the Droid Eris. It is essentially the same as the Motorolla droid just a little smaller. Best part it was free with after my new every two credit. I will try it out. I am excited to have a new phone. There are so many features, it will take me weeks to figure out.


I called my Grandma Shirley yesterday I wanted to get a recipe from her. She made a spicy bean dip for Christmas and we absolutely loved it. She called back this morning and gave me the recipe. I am so excited to make this. I will post pic and recipe later. I just hope that I don't eat it all in one sitting. Ok well I am off to the store to get ingredients. Wish me luck!