Why...

I have a few things I want to say, but kinda want to keep this a short one. I have had a long day. I guess I want to start with a question that was asked of me the other day. In case you didn't know, I work at a prison and am a Substance Abuse Counselor for the inmates. I find my job very challenging and rewarding. It is something that I strongly believe in, but will leave that for another time. I facilitate a group of 18 men (inmates). We were discussing life choices and how to stay positive when things don't go your way. I have a lot of input whenever we discuss this because my life for the past few years has been anything but easy. I somehow am still able to start and end each day with a smile on my face and an optimistic attitude towards the day ahead. Not every day, but I would say that I am pretty consistent. I always try and see the bright side, because if you look hard enough there is always a silver lining. I hold true to this belief and most always practice what I preach. I try too brighten peoples day and smile as often as possible, because I know that smiles are contagious. Sure I moan and groan at times, but I always keep a positive, can-do attitude. I was trying teach the difference of focusing on what is wrong and focusing on what is right. As humans we always seem to dwell on what is going wrong, all the things we don't have, it is instinct. I find myself focusing on this as well. We never seem to REALLY appreciate not only the things we have but the things that are going good in our life. The example is of someone who has gone blind. When he loses his eyesight he wishes he had it back. But while he had his eye sight did he ever stop and really appreciate it. There are at any given time only a few things that are going wrong in our lives, but thousands of things that are going right. But they are just a given, right? We take these simple luxeries or "Norms" for granted and only notice that we had them after they are gone. The question that I posed to the group was..."Is it better to focus on what is wrong in your life or to focus on what is right"? Keep in mind there are never any right or wrong answers, Just differences in opinions.  Surprisingly I had most of the group answer that it was better to focus on all that is wrong. When I asked why, I got a few answers like..."I don't know, I just do". Then I had one guy tell me that it was better for him to focus on what is wrong, because it reminds him of what he needs to fix, things he can improve upon and things he is working towards. I must say I was impressed with his answer. The problem is that with most people who do focus on what is wrong they tend to fixate on all the things they don't have. Someone like this will never really be satisfied, because there is always more. I have found that people who think this way, tend to be more negative and hard on themselves and others. Nothing is ever good enough. They tend to be depressed and always see the glass as HALF EMPTY. I am not saying all, but most. Those people that always focus on what is right tend to be a little more positive in nature. They truly appreciate everything that is given to them and work hard for all they have. On the same token you can go to the other extreme and someone who never thinks about what is wrong, tends to avoid moving forward or fixing possible problem areas. I wanted to talk about this because it is something that I have been working on a lot lately. It would be so easy for me to fixate on all that is wrong in my life. And to tell you the truth I have been. I have been doing a lot of complaining about the way things have been going and where I am in my life right now. But at the end of the day, I am truly blessed to have all that I do. And I know that there are so many out there less fortunate than I. I need to remember to appreciate the little things we so easily take for granted. Always know that it could be worse...

The question that someone asked was about my previous employment. Of course I won't go into detail, but I do find it important to share a little bit about myself in the process of these groups. I had told them before that I was in banking,sales and real estate prior to working at the prison. I always get pretty much the same response. " Why the hell would you come work here? Don't they pay you less?" That is a great question. Yes I am paid less and if it was about the money and I was just interested in collecting a pay check, I wouldn't be there. I was telling them about purpose. I have a purpose in this life, just like we all do. I realized that it was not to be behind a desk, taking other peoples money, behind a counter taking other peoples money, or in a house taking other peoples money. I excelled at all my jobs, but that's all that they were. A JOB. They had no meaning to me, no purpose. I would walk in everyday to the same things, a routine. They were mindless and easy. I like to move around and need to be challenged. I love that I walk into work each day and have no idea what is going to happen. Each day is different and each day I learn something new. I love that I get to help people start to acknowledge the wrongs they have done and to start thinking about their futures in a positive light. Letting them know that people do get second chances and that they can make a difference. I treat them like people because that is what they are. They have had so many tell them their whole lives that they are no good and that they don't deserve a second chance, I love to be able to help someone believe in themselves again. Don't get me wrong I am not talking about rapists and murderers here. I am talking about drugs, robberies, a stolen car, one too many DUI's. Some of these guys have just made a mistake that any of us could have made. Some grew up believing that this was the only way of life. They have never known any better. I don't want to make excuses for them, or try to minimize their crimes. I just don't want to think like everyone else, that they are trash. Every person, has good in them somewhere. I hope to help more people see that. I have been called a lot of things because of my beliefs and I really don't care. Call me Naive, maybe I am, but I refuse to accept that someone who has been through hell in the fist part of their life can't find their own heaven in the second part.

Today was a hard day. Every year, each employee of the prison has to go to an institution training. My number came up this week. 3 days, 8 hours a day. I have never been so bored in my life. I was dreading it. The first day was ok, went by somewhat fast. Then today, I knew it was coming, yet somehow was still caught off guard. Suicide Prevention. I still can't say the word and just had a hard time typing it. In case you didn't know about a year and a half ago my mother and my step-father took their own lives. I walked in and found them . This is something that I have been struggling with for a long time. I still don't think that I have dealt with it. That was confirmed today, when we had to spend a whole hour talking and learning about it. I started shaking and began sweating. I felt sick to my stomach and had to leave the room for a minute to get some air. I had no idea how much it was still affecting me. My mom was my best friend and I was the closest relative to her. We spent about 30 minutes discussing, the warning signs. All of which my mom and step-dad had displayed. We talked about prevention and what you should do if you suspect someone is suicidal. It brings up in me a lot of guilt that I have been carrying. They had threatened it only a month prior. When confronted, my mom assured me, promised me that she would never do anything like that. I believed her. I should have known not to take her word. There is so much that I could have done to prevent that situation. I know that it is not my fault, I just know that I could have done more. I feel like a hole had been ripped through my heart and I don't know how to repair it. Maybe I never will. I know that this will always be with me, but hopefully I can get to the point where it no longer hurts as bad. When my life can return to "normal". I guess I just wasn't prepared to have to talk about it today. I don't think I could have prepared. All I know is that I feel like a wound has been reopened and I don't know how to close it. This happens every couple months, I just need to cry, to let it all out. To ask "why", knowing I will never get an answer. To say "what if" knowing that I will never know. This is something that I need to accept. I am trying...